Get ready for The Return Window with Rani. Live tonight @ 7:15 PM Central, here on Substack. Bring your commentary and cocktails.
Tonight’s live stream 7:15 PM Central
Wondering what the hell The Return Window with Rani is about? If it were live right now, here’s a sample of what I’d talk about.
Segment 1: Return Window
The rejects. The things I spent my money on and now spend my time boxing up to send away. I want them gone and my money back. Consider this my public service announcement in response to all the stuff Substack told us to buy. I’m not naming the people, just the products.
These four are already in the mail, which is why they’re here and not on camera tonight.
Total damage: $812.98
Clothes & Shoes from the Brands of Substack
Massimo Dutti
Can’t say where I first read about this ‘you’ll die without this’ brand, but clearly I was convinced it was a must.
Soft leather mules: black | $220
Why I Ordered Them: I’ve already been obsessing over fall footwear, even though they won’t be on my feet until at least October in Dallas. Nonetheless, I felt I’d simply combust without a soft, easy slip-on mule.
Size for me is always a dilemma, whether it’s shoes or pants. Radio, my doodle dog, measured my foot. Twice. We even double checked the website measuring guidance to ensure we got the full toe-to-heel number. The chart said a size 10 perfectly aligned. Data never lies.
The Arrival: Nice packaging. The leather was soft with a lived-in feel. But when I tried them on they were way too big.
I also realized my epic mistake. Most of the fall images show a shoe barely covering the toes. This shoe was shoved up against my ankle. Worse, they looked like house shoes, at best.
On my feet, I felt like Hugh Hefner, and that’s just not a kosher look.
Long sleeve flowing polo shirt: green | $130
The Arrival: The color is a gorgeous kelly green with a silky finish. From the photos I could tell it would be sorta slouchy. The reality was absurd. A small hit against my knees. There isn’t an ounce of polish to the look, and it’s 100% sheer. Not a look I can pull off in tech.
MARGAUX
Why I Ordered Them: It’s surprising we’re not all unconscious from the number of times we’ve been hit in the face by this brand. I’m still looking for my perfect summer sandals – still! – and they continue to elude me. So when these showed up at the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale, each pair at $100 off, I figured why not.
MX 35 Sandal: 40 EU W in Saddle Calf | $211.99
The Arrival: Isn’t this one of the ones people brag about walking 10K steps in? I had read that it runs narrow, so I went up to a size 10 wide. Typically I’m a 9 but clearly that varies by brand. I still couldn’t even squeeze my foot into this shoe. Even if I had gotten these for free I wouldn’t have kept them.
Deia 50 Sandal: 39.5 EU M in Black Nappa | $250.99
Why I Ordered Them: This was supposed to be the shoe that made me stop lusting after the Suzanne 50MM heeled sandals in black from Aeyde. Since I’ve heard people attest to being able to walk in the Suzannes all day, I’ve been captivated. It’s a great looking shoe but I keep tripping on the $595 price tag. So I keep trying to find something to douse this urge.
The Arrival: The Deia isn’t it. The shoe was too big and trying to walk in it felt like a little kid wearing their mom’s heels. No bueno.
And that’s only one of three show segments
Segment 2: Final Sale
This is the stuff you can’t send back. Tonight: the $20 million ICE gloves and the states that have outlawed abortion, because there’s no return window on that one either.
Segment 3: Keepers
The stuff that actually works. Tonight: the one place Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg and Jared Kushner cannot buy their way into.
You have to show up for those. Tonight 7:15 PM Central
Next week on The Return Window with Rani
Aug. 27 Author Laurie Frankel
Next week Laurie Frankel will join me on to discuss her novel Enormous Wings. You’ll hear why she set the book in Texas, where I live, on purpose. I can attest – this shit is real. She nails what it’s like to be a woman of child-bearing age living in a red state. You should be frightened.
When life stops making sense, we shop. More soon.
Can’t wait!!!! 😍
I keep getting sucked into buying from (unknown to me) companies that appear to have US addresses but actually ship from overseas and then will only bargain about how much returns will cost you, or if the items are even eligible… Thanks for letting me vent!