3 Keepers and a Regret is a recurring series on Retail Therapy on Substack where I ask people I admire to name 3 things they’d fight to keep — bought, inherited, stolen — and 1 thing they regret.
There’s a tone. People don’t like it — that part was obvious. But for decades, it’s something I’ve struggled to hear. I know I’m straightforward and literal. To a fault.
When a professor wanted us to pay him for research, I told him we needed a price tag. I was kicked out of my meeting and he took over. Then I got fired.
I’ve pivoted. Hoping my words would be read when I struggle to say them in a way that can be heard. Some people are so good at it. I’m not one of them. So I have the utmost respect for anyone who’s telling the world that humor is who they are. One of them is Chris Stanton of Stantonland.
What I didn’t realize is that there are “other” Chris Stantons in the world. A British actor who died in 2020. And one who teaches at Harvard’s business school. Our Chris Stanton is obsessed with The Godfather. If you’ve seen it — I haven’t, let it go — it probably tells you everything you need to know. He’s the one who’s suing summer. Clearly the case is still in the courts, considering my clothes were soaking wet and melting to my body on Sunday. The things we’ll do for a hot bagel when it’s 100 degrees outside.
Three Keepers
3 things you’d fight to keep — bought, inherited, stolen
No. 1 — Toro Snowblower
Last October, we moved two doors down, from a house without a driveway to one with a driveway. That wasn’t the reason we moved, but it did have the benefit of lowering the number of times my parked car gets hit by 100%.
It’s not a short driveway, and since I have back issues, it was clear that trying to shovel it after a snowstorm would result in my wife stumbling upon my frozen corpse. So, one of my first purchases for the house was a snowblower. I don’t have any particular preference for Toro, but it runs on a rechargeable battery and the price didn’t make me gag, so olé.
We ended up having a lot of snow last winter, and in addition to my back problems, I had a hernia. I was, in medical terms, a disaster. But my driveway and sidewalk remained clear, and I remained alive.
No. 2 — “Mad Men” Prop
I recently wrote a piece about winning a movie prop in an online auction, then learning that the shipping cost was astronomical. In it, I mentioned that I’d also once won a “Mad Men” prop in an auction. This is it: a binder that was used in the third season, when Don was wooing Conrad Hilton.
As anyone who watched “Mad Men” knows, the show’s attention to detail was incredible, and that’s certainly true of this. The binder contains actual documents, including period-accurate research on the state of the hotel industry, internal Sterling Cooper memos, and more. The only flaw is that it doesn’t reek of cigarettes.
No. 3 — iPad mini
I had an iPhone, a MacBook Pro, and, most relevantly, an iPad. I needed an iPad mini the way I need a second bowl of ice cream—that is to say, both not at all and desperately.
For this purchase, my thinking was that I’d use it for note-taking during work meetings, reading, and writing. Was I rationalizing just to scratch my unrelenting tech itch? Without question.
I already took notes on my iPad sometimes, but the size made it awkward. The mini takes up a smaller footprint on my desk, so I use it all the time. It’s also a great size for reading: Kindle books, library books on the Libby app, news, Substack, whatever. Also, when I feel like writing my essays by hand, the mini is where I do it. As I’d hoped, I use it very differently than my full-sized iPad. Sometimes, I luck out and a rationalization ends up actually being true.
One Regret
now the regret
I injured my knee at the beginning of the pandemic and couldn’t run anymore. With no idea when the world would open back up, I decided to buy this exercise bike.
Having taken some spin classes and hating them, this was obviously the most logical move. I figured I’d get used to this form of cardio, given that I had no other option. It turns out that one thing I like even less than a spin class is a virtual spin class. I’d put the bike in my home office and had also convinced myself that it would be easy to just hop on it for 10–15 minutes here and there between work calls. And I was right, it would have been easy, but what was even easier was not doing that.
Also, my office was small, and the only place the bike would fit was in a spot where it partially blocked the closet door. So, whenever I needed to get something out of there, I had to move this contraption that somehow weighs as much as a Honda Civic. In our new house, it’s sitting in the basement, where it’s also in the way.
Why I’m Still Shopping
I’m writing this from my office, where my Peloton bike takes up far too much space in the small room. It, too, was a pandemic purchase. My partner refuses to use it again and threw away his spin shoes as a statement. He wouldn’t even let me donate the shoes. I, on the other hand, try to force myself to use it. At least once a month.
Chris’ auction story is precisely why I stopped going to them — because I freaked myself out. My favorites were video game auctions, where you could try everything out if you got there early enough. I got myself totally paranoid that I’d twitch in some weird way and buy a crappy game instead of the Ms. Pac-Man I was after, having spent too much of my youth playing. Super-speed only.
Everyone I was competing with planned to actually monetize the game and charge people to play. Unlike me, who likes it to just sit in the house and take up space and never play. Just like my Batman pinball machine with Heath Ledger as Joker from “The Dark Knight”. The only space it fits is in our living room area, where you enter the house.
I don’t know about you, but I expected more from the snowblower. Visually, it’s underwhelming. I looked at it, after reading about its might, and thought “that’s it?”
I shared my reaction with Chris when we jumped on Zoom. He didn’t get defensive. I don’t think he laughed at me, but he should have. He wasn’t just blowing smoke.
Thanks to Chris Stanton of Stantonland. He's joining me live on The Return Window this Thursday at 7:15 PM CT, with something he's sending back. The snowblower stays.
When life stops making sense, we shop turn on our pinball machine. More soon.
