3 Keepers and a Regret is a recurring series on Retail Therapy on Substack where I ask people I admire to name 3 things they’d fight to keep — bought, inherited, stolen — and 1 thing they regret.
I came across Jennie Egerdie’s posts and notes on Substack, where she writes BEST PARTY, WORST HOUSE. Jennie — a Canadian now living in Brooklyn — explains it: “Living in America is like being at the Best Party at the Worst House. You’re just trying to have a good time and get out before the cops shut this whole thing down.”
Living in America is like being at the Best Party at the Worst House. You’re just trying to have a good time and get out before the cops shut this whole thing down.
— Jennie Egerdie
I’m jealous of her hair. The volume and curls outperform my wimpy waves. She also makes me laugh. Hard.
It took me a while to piece together that I’d already “met” Jennie during Covid via her Frog and Toad parody pieces on McSweeney's. Shortly after, I bought myself a Frog and Toad t-shirt. Wherever I wear it — which is typically to bookish events — I’m surprised by how often people don’t get the reference. What’s wrong with people?
Jennie turned her humor into books put out in the world by legit publishers. Her first two made Vulture’s list of best humor books of the year. Her next — Frog and Toad Make History — will be available this Fall.
Three Keepers
3 things you’d fight to keep — bought, inherited, stolen
No. 1 — cabinet from Toronto craft show
My folks found this cabinet in the 90’s at the One of a Kind craft show in Toronto. I’ve loved it all my life. 9 years ago, when I immigrated to the states, my mom let me take it with me and I’ve been carrying it from apartment to apartment ever since. Right now I keep candles in it, but someday? I hope to be buried in it. Bury me in the bear.
No. 2 — childhood bear, Beary
(Clearly, I have a thing with bears.) This is my childhood bear, Beary. When I was 3, I dragged him around Costco until my parents caved. Beary also survived a fire! When I was 18, I moved into my first apartment on a Saturday and it burned down that Sunday night. It sucked. I lost a ton of stuff in the fire, but the firemen managed to salvage a heavily smoke-damaged Beary. My mom was determined to save him. She spent a week repeatedly dunking him in laundry detergent while I numbly filed insurance paperwork. And it worked! He smells great! Beary can never die!
No. 3 — handmade quilt won at a charity auction
I won this handmade quilt at the New Hamburg Mennonite Relief Sale, a yearly quilt auction that’s been held in Ontario since 1967. The whole weekend’s this big fair with incredible strawberry pies, a pancake breakfast, and all these live auctions. It’s the best. All the money goes to charity, and some of the quilts go for thousands of dollars. I was lucky enough to win this beauty in the live auction! The struggle now is to keep my cat off of it. He's orange and stupid and loves it. Wish me luck.
One Regret
now the regret
My K-1 Fiancé Visa. Useless. When I was moving to the US, I went all-in on the fiancé visa because I was advised it would help me get a green card quicker. It was extremely stressful, expensive, and ultimately didn’t help a damn thing. I applied for the K-1 visa (a lengthy/stressful process), then Trump came to office for his first term and changed the rules. I ended up stuck in immigration processing limbo for a long time, unable to work in the US or leave the country, because the rules were changed. If I could do it again, I wouldn’t both with the K-1 visa. I’d save myself the stress, frustration, and thousands of dollars.
Oh well. Unless you’re rich, immigration is always difficult. I’m grateful to have made it through!
Why I’m Still Shopping
Jennie pulled me in with the pancake breakfast, and I would have consumed more details. That kind of meal is my jam. But with syrup.
Her regret captures a story we hear about too infrequently. How difficult it can be to work in a country you weren’t born in.
When I flew to Canada, I made a grave mistake at customs when I said I was there for work. It resulted in hours of interrogations while staring at a portrait of Queen Elizabeth, who was still alive at the time.
When I went to Canada, I didn’t realize I made a grave mistake at customs when I said I was there for work. It resulted in hours of interrogations in the middle of the night, all while staring at a portrait of Queen Elizabeth, who was still alive at the time. But that’s not a whole life. It was a juggling act with corporate support. It’s very different.
Jennie has her priorities in order. She knows what’s important and doesn’t bother with the superficial. I’ve wasted way too much of my life caught up in that crap.
Every time Radio and I cruise around in my Subaru, I still notice all the Range Rovers and Porsche Cayennes surrounding us. I can’t help but think my boy deserves better. He should be in a gorgeous convertible with the top down and buttery leather seats that accent his fur. But my decision to downgrade was deliberate. To remind myself that the brand of car I drive doesn’t equate to my worth. It’s my statement car, to myself. Or maybe anti-statement.
Thanks to Jennie Egerdie of BEST PARTY, WORST HOUSE
When life stops making sense, we shop read kids books. Duh. More soon.
